Eloquently Twisted

Emma calls those ‘shake and bake’ pancakes, Wankakes. Brilliants.

Emma: ‘Your passport looks like it once got wet?’ Me: ‘Yea, it fell into a body of water’ ‘It fell into the toilet didn’t it?’ ‘Yup!’

Emma commenting on my cleavage laden top ‘What’s this? Bring your boobs to work Wednesday?’

Went into a posh shop earlier, I was wearing a backpack, the assistants gave me snobby looks. Emma says ‘Fuck them, they work in

a shop’.

Emma: ‘Rang mum there to moan about my thesis. Do you know what she did? She put the cat on the phone!’ (I’m laughing so much)

Emma: ‘My mother used to watch Rosemary’s Baby a lot while she was pregnant.’

Emma said to me: ‘Brrr It’s really cold here! Or is it just the draught from your cavernous vagina?’ Then she walked away

Last night a student said to Emma ‘My boyfriend is a Hollister model’ pointing to buff unspeaking man. Emma said ‘What’s a Hollister?’

Emma said she witnessed someone with a megaphone saying to a student in hot pants ‘Hello! You appear to have forgotten your trousers’.

‘Today I fired a rubber band at Emma’s face and she slapped me really hard on my arm!’ - Diary of Maria aged 30 and a half

Emma: ‘Take A Break has a Handy tips page, one Top Tip was if you run out of underwear on holiday, wear a Tesco’s bag, there was a picture.’

Me: ‘Is there a problem page in Take a Break magazine?’ Emma: ‘Every page is a problem page, I call it ‘Loser’s Digest’.

Emma was talking to me, mid sentence she stopped and said ‘Maria! Stop staring at your own breasts!’

I told Emma, I prefer typing on the Nokia more than the iPhone. She replied ‘That’s because you have fat fingers’. Then looked delighted.

Emma: ‘Look here’s photos of cats that look like Hilter.’ Orla: ‘Are they bred to look like that?’ Me: LOUD LAUGHTER.

Emma came up to me and was giving me grief so I loudly pretended that she’d hit me on the arm, then she hit me on the arm. Dammit!

‘Emma, have I made a mess of my life?’

‘No, you only do that when you shit yourself…. in public.’

Me: ‘Bad sex is still bad sex no matter where you do it.’

Emma: ‘What about in Space?!’

Told Emma that if I get engaged I don’t want an engagement ring, she asked was I going to get ‘Vajazzled’ instead. Don’t look that up.

Emma’s mother calls ugg boots ‘Slut Wellies’.

Emma said ‘Noone has honked by boob in ages’. Yeay I gotta honk a boob, she screamed!

Emma Overheard: ‘Like nowhere on the packet did it say I had to like, you know, actually cook the sausages. I was like, SO ill.’

This morning Emma saw the Gardaí outside Leinster House playing ‘Rock Paper Scissors’.

Emma: ‘Nigella Lawson puts the porn back in food porn’ Me: ‘What? She actually cooks with semen?’ ‘Ewwww’.

Emma, Brenda and I are all knackered from a day of giving talks. Emma just randomly said ‘Horny’. Then ‘I say random things when I’m tired’.

The blood board sent Emma a letter saying she’s ‘on call’ for blood donations. ‘If I’m found drained of blood it won’t due of be a vampire’.

Emma started taunting me with my dislike of the scum on the top of a ketchup bottle, I typed ‘Frog’ into google image and she ran away.

‘So Maria, you’re not afraid of spiders?’

‘Nope’

‘What are you afraid of?’

‘Yes Emma, because me telling you my fears won’t be abused’

Emma: ‘Her arse was so big it looked like a Joke Bum’.

Emma’s tip for phone lines that give you ‘press 1 for….’ options: Mash the keypad and you’ll get put through to an operator.

I told Emma was stressed about something that happened. ‘No point getting stressed, it’s in the past, like your youth and moral compass’

Emma: ‘Would you not get Colm to shave off his beard? You’ve never seen him without it, he could be anyone under there’.

I made a card for Emma. Got the lab to sign it. I signed it for John saying ‘My name is John, I like turtles, well done’.

Anna signed the card ‘To Emma, What a fabulous day, pity it’s not about me, but

whatever’.

‘So Emma what are you doing this evening?’

‘Take a stab in the dark’

‘Stabbing people in the dark?’

‘No, writing’.

So…. Emma got maced at the weekend. In a way that was inevitable. It wasn’t directed at her, she says it isn’t nice.

Emma can flex one boob, she calls it a ‘boob wink’ or a ‘bink’. I cannot do this.

I said ‘Minge’, John said ‘Piss flaps’, Emma got very annoyed and said ‘The language in here is fucking unreal’.

I drew a face on my hand, I’ve called it ‘Hand Emma’ and am using it to Harass actual Emma. Hand Emma likes felating things.

Emma hates keyboard cat, she just threatened me with scissors for playing it. Play her off Keyboard cat.

Got antibiotics, Emma looked them up online and is reading out the side effects and laughing ‘Vaginal itching, unusual urination patterns’ Emma asked ‘Do you have history of diarrhoea?’ I choked on my water and started

coughing. Then the fire alarm went off.

I covered my lips in pink highlighter and asked Emma if now was a good time go to and see my boss. She said ‘No’.

There is a hair straightener under my desk from the previous occupant. Emma:

‘That’s massive. Looks like something you’d cook a panini with’

John and I are talking about silver fish. Emma has never heard of them so she’s very freaked out. Supposedly ‘carpet shark’ is another name.

I got a text from Emma, she’s bleaching her bathroom to kill silver fish that she probably doesn’t have.

Emma: ‘Keep your relationship fresh by constantly changing your personality and likes’

Emma *looking at my twitter stream*: ‘These aren’t real people…. they’re not your friends *whispered* I’m your only friend’

Just had to tell Emma what a Pearl Necklace meant. ‘Urgh but why? It would end up in your hair like a grey rinse’.

Emma says the moral of the ‘Boy who cried wolf’ story is ‘Never tell the same lie twice’.

Emma and I were exchanging double edged compliments she said ‘You have a ruddy complexion that really suits the outdoors look’ She won.

Trying to check my parents in online for their flight, it timed out. I started swearing. Emma said ‘What’s wrong you’ve gone all Exorcist?’

Emma’s complaint about her boyfriend ‘He keeps saying ‘There’s been a murder!’ in the style of Taggart….all the time!’

Emma: ‘He’s such an anal wanker!’ Brenda: ‘Wow. I’m never shaking hands with him again’

Emma: ‘I’m doing my references for this paper, so far my favourite reference is Wang and Bumgardener’

Emma: ‘Cleanliness is next to godliness but some people are very close to hell’

I commented ‘Orla and Brenda are sleepy today’ Emma asked ‘What am I?’ I said ‘Dopey’. She almost threw water over me. :D

‘Wow, Emma it’s almost 4 already, where has the day gone?’ ‘I generally find it goes into the past’ ‘I hate you’

‘Colm’s going away tomorrow Emma’ ‘Remember to give him his warnings’ ‘Don’t have sex with anything’ ‘Don’t you mean anyone?’ ‘Eh, right’

Emma bought me a pint and sang me a kinda creepy version of Happy Birthday. A bit like a horny clown.

Me: ‘Emma a lot of people on Twitter are Taurus, Summer makes people horny’ ‘I just thought it was from people drinking cider outside’

Brenda and Emma are watching the scary part of Paranormal Activity. I’ve not seen it but Emma is partially hidden behind a sheet of paper.

Me: ‘I’ve no idea what I was saying in that presentation’ Emma: ‘Yea you started talking about your secret abortion and it got awkward there’

John and I are discussing Biffy Clyro, Emma says ‘That just sounds like the name of a striking miner’s union rep’.

Emma: ‘Hey, you didn’t get freckles did you? oh…my god they’re on your face’ :(

Brenda sent a message to Emma’s boyfriend saying ‘Emma is crying with the want’. That’s my new favourite phrase.

Ha ha Emma got in trouble for writing ‘Slut’ on bottles, she actually was writing ‘Glut’ short for glutamine. :D

I get new lenses at 2pm, until then I’ve to wear my reactions lenses. Emma opened the door for me and said ‘Look it’s Roy Orbison’

Talking about asphxywanks, the lack of oxygen makes it better, Emma suggests that this is also why so many people die on Everest pantsless