Eloquently Twisted

You know when you try on clothes and you suck in your stomach before you look at yourself in the mirror. That’s pilates, except while you are sucking in your stomach you are lying down trying to swing your legs over your head like a fish floundering on a deck. I like pilates, well not exactly like but I like the fact that it makes me somewhat fitter and more flexible, one day I hope to use it to fight crime. 

I’ve been trying at pilates so long that I moved from beginner, where I didn’t have a clue, to improver, where I’ve been in the beginners class too long they made up a class for us to go. The beginners class was a nice blonde woman, called Monica, she was very fit, so fit it was disgusting but she was nice and good humoured. The improvers class is taught by Daniel. He looks like Ben Elton, I only recently found out his name was Daniel, I’d been calling him Ben Elton in my head. He’s has the ability to say the most innuendo laden lines without any hint of humour or campness examples are ‘Next week I’ll put my spikey balls on your back’ and ‘It’s banana time’. He also is obsessed with the pelvic floor, not only our pelvic floor but his own. Yes, men have pelvic floors. I don’t quite understand why he wants his so strong, maybe he wants to ejaculate through a wall. 

So, improvers class has been going well, I switched from Wednesday to Monday as people are less likely to want to do things on a Monday. For the last number of sessions there only has been two people in the class. A thinner, dark haired woman in her mid thirties and me, the red head moaning like a Platoon extra on a yoga mat. So, apparently this other lady, let’s call her Maura goes to the Monday *and* Wednesday classes. I overheard Monica saying to someone that she’d taken a shine to Daniel our instructor. 

Thing is, the last two weeks I’ve not been going to class, first week because of toothache and last week I was in San Francisco. This is the last week, I turn up for class and Maura’s face looks like thunder. She no longer has Daniel alone, she has me, also sucking up his attention, which, I don’t want. Now I don’t know what happened when I was away but the guy who runs the gym came in and joined in the pilates probably so poor auld Dan wasn’t alone with ‘single white female’ and me. She didn’t talk to me, I’m a fairly chatty and open person, boy was she pissed. At the end of the class Daniel said ‘If we only have two or three for the next session of improvers we aren’t going to do it’. Ha!

So, as difficult as it was to go to pilates jet lagged, there’s nothing like the reward of the hatred of some lady who has some twisted romantic attachment to the instructor. 

I’m totally going back.