Eloquently Twisted

Anna who I work with is getting married soon. Her friends asked for a list of memories or sayings from her that we may have.
Looking back through tweets I found 50 ‘Annaisms’.
Reading back through these made me laugh a lot.

Anna: ‘I got asked for ID, it could be that I look young or be the fact I was buying a bottle of vodka and 10 bags of sweets.’

Anna: ‘Fenton was kidnapped!’ Brenda: ‘Tony Fenton?’ Anna: ‘No, the dog. He might not be kidnapped I wasn’t paying attention.’

We were talking at my desk. Anna pops up and says ‘Maria stop drinking and sleeping around!’ ‘What?’ ‘Are we not having an intervention?’

Anna: ‘John do you’ve a third nipple?’ Me: ‘It’s his cock.’ Anna: ‘Do you ask people to milk it?’

Anna: ‘Do you know how many Hail Mary’s my bf and I said at the weekend? A hundred! It’s our new sex thing, joking, blessing of the graves’

Metro headline: Michael Jackson’s children don’t cry any more. Anna: That’s because they’ve had their tear ducts removed.

Anna: ‘Sometimes if I’m desperate for chocolate I’ll eat the chocolate off Jaffa cakes, I hate Jaffa Cakes.’

At coffee I said ‘Remember the other coloured people in Rainbow Brite?’ Anna said ‘Well I see it’s casual Racism Thursday again’.

Anna: ‘Heard a cute word I’ve decided to call my boyfriend as a nickname; pigfucker’ Me: ‘You realise that makes you the pig right?’ ‘Oh!’

Anna commenting on the police presence ‘I’ve never seen so many strippers!’

I told Anna ‘When I get married I’m not going to wear the thing over my face…’ She replied ‘A bag?’

Anna waving her banana skin and laughing at it ‘Banana! Banana! I’m like Elmo’ Brenda said ‘You’re more like Rainman’.

Anna said ‘Oooh Maria, you’re showing bare arms today, I like this!’ then promptly gave me a chinese burn.

Anna pretending to breast feed a teddy bear ‘But it won’t latch on Maria!’.

Anna: ‘Went to a beautician who had the most beautiful skin I’d ever seen, she was in a wheelchair though, can’t have it all I suppose’.

Anna: ‘Telling a boyfriend ‘I’m not angry, I’m just disappointed’ is the emotional equivalent of kicking them in the balls, I LOVE IT!’

‘Morning Anna!’ ‘Oh go fuck yourself…well me giving up swearing for lent didn’t last long’.

Anna said someone made a ‘Hello Kitty’ birthday cake but it kinda ripped apart in the car, when the kids saw it they started screaming.

‘Anna what are you going to give up for lent?’ ‘Oh Shit! I forgot about lent…..Swearing’

Anna: ‘My bf and I got a box of Milk Tray, they taste weird so we put them away, I’ve been secretly eating them all, what do I do?!’

Anna just said ‘I am a professional grown up’.

Anna said a dog shit on her ‘Home sweet home’ welcome mat and she found out when a visitor pointed it out to her.

Aisling: ‘The break room is going to be noisy with construction, they were jackhammering earlier’ Anna overhearing shouts ‘JACKHAMMER ME!’

I doubled over laughing at a podcast. Anna asked ‘Get some bad news?’

In a cafe, Anna said ‘Lets get a cup of coffee between us and two straws like that film, Two girls one cup’

When I failed my Driver Theory test, Anna said ‘Wow it would be awkward if we’d bought you a car shaped cake for passing it…that we had to cut up so it didn’t look like a car’

Sitting in the opticians today without glasses, Anna put her hand on my knee and said ‘That’s your hand, you just can’t see it’.

Anna’s diet idea ‘Right, I’ll eat a chocolate and you smell my breath and I’ll describe it to you, tomorrow we swap.’

‘Anna you want to go to lunch?’ ‘Sure we can eat our lunches like those dogs eating the spaghetti, you can be the tramp’

Anna: ‘Everything is just a hand job away’.

Anna: ‘My hands are all sweaty and nasty, I can’t get my gloves on, the problems of a serial killer, sweaty nervous hands’

Anna signed the card ‘To Emma, What a fabulous day, pity it’s not about me, but whatever’.

I was eating a new cereal bar at coffee. Anna said ‘Tell me how it feels in your mouth’. I started choking.

Anna: ‘When men get old their penises invert’ Me: ‘Is that why you see more old women than old men?’ ‘Yes’.

Anna: ‘Oh! I’m all overcome’ Me: ‘Really? It was your favourite thing yesterday’.

Anna: ‘I almost stabbed my boyfriend with a stanley knife, it was very funny. He’s still quite scared though’

Anna: ‘I bought a courgette and it cost €2.50, that doesn’t include the cost of the ambulance to have it removed’.

Anna: ‘Driving to work I saw the sunrise and thought ‘Isn’t the world beautiful’ then I looked across and saw a magpie eating a dead cat’.

Anna: ‘Once we visited our Uncle, I don’t think he was expecting company, he was wearing denim hot pants and chasing cows with a stick’.

Anna: ‘In the hotel, I meant to say either jump or dive but instead I said ‘We’ll go dump in the pool’ the receptionist wasn’t impressed’

Anna: ’ Forgot to tell you the best thing that happened in the lab this week, john opened a tub of vaseline and a load of flies came out’

Anna: ‘Last time I went to Fota Wildlife park I saw a zebra with a huge erection! It was brilliant!’

Talked about Tom Hardy in Inception, Anna fancies him. ‘He’s an alcoholic’ She replied ‘Oh I’d love that, him hitting me and puking on me’.

Anna once called up Halifax and asked for a ‘Sexy flavour account’ instead of a ‘Flexi saver’ one. She’s great.

Anna: ‘The best way to stop you feeling broody is to borrow one….with permission, a lesson I learnt the hard way, and mind it for a day.’

Anna: ‘Imagine if you came home and I was wearing your skin….or worse your clothes, wait that’s not worse’.

Anna: ‘Got asked if I was over 18 in Tesco last night, I said ‘I’M THIRTY ONE!’ I expected trumpets and balloons but she just looked scared’

Anna said ‘Don’t hang around people who overachieve like that, hang around people on your same level….us’.

Anna: ‘I don’t get why women in hot weather wear no bra, They have massive tits and they’ve had 10 kids, I think they need the bra’

Anna sucked curry sauce from her finger and said ‘In my house this means ‘sexy time’…oh shit I keep forgetting I live with my parents’